Long Jokes

Books that should have been written:

Murder In The Chookhouse by A.. Fox

Big Yellow River by I. P. Daily 

Rusty Bedsprings by I. P. Nightly 

10 Steps To The Dunny by Willy Makeit. Illustrated by Betty Wont. Published by Ha Ha The Door's Locked  

There were three men sitting under the only tree in the desert. Suddenly a genie appears and grants them only one wish each. The man from England wished he had a castle. BOOM he's gone. The Australian wished he had a mansion and heaps of money. BOOM he's gone. The Irish man was lonely with out his friends so he wished them back. Now they are all stuck in the desert again.

A blind man walked into a shop with his guide dog. He picked the dog up and began swinging it around. A concerned shop assistant came over and said "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?" The man replied, "Just looking around!"

There was a redhead, a brunette and blond who had just committed a robbery and were running from the police. They spied some potato sacks and climbed in them. The policeman can up and kicked the first which had the brunette in it. The brunette goes. "Meow, meow," and the policeman says, "It's just a cat," and kicks the next one. This one contains the redhead who replies to the kick with "Ruff, ruff." "Oh, it's just a dog," before kicking the next sack which holds the blond. The blond replies "Potatoes, potatoes!"

There were 11 people holding a rope and hanging off a mountain, 10 blondes and 1 brunette. They discovered that one of them would have to fall so the others would be saved. The brunette said she would perish to save the others in a moving speech. The blondes were so moved that they clapped.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father but five minutes later he calls out. "Dad?" "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can I have a drink of water?" "No, you had your chance. Go to sleep. "  Five more minutes later. "Dad?" "WHAT!" "Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! Now if you ask again I'll come up and spank you. GO TO SLEEP!" Yet another five minutes later. "Da-a-a-a-a-d," "WHAT!!" "When you come up to spank me can you bring a glass of water?" 

One evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her young son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when the boy asked with a tremor in his voice "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug before answering, "I can't darling. I have to sleep with Daddy." A long silence followed which was eventually broken by the little boy saying "The big sissy."

A man and a women who had never met before had been put in the same sleeping compartment on a train. After the initial embarrassment they both got to sleep, the man in the top berth and the woman in the bottom one. In the middle of the night the man wakes up, leans over and wakes the woman. "Excuse me but could you reach over and get me a blanket as I'm awfully cold?" he asked. "I've got a better idea," said the woman as she leaned out with a glint in her eye. "Just for this night why don't we pretend we're married?" The man's eyes lit up as he replied happily "All right! Awesome idea!" "Good," replied the woman. "Now go get your own blanket."

While driving in the country, a man hit a rooster. Wanting to do the right thing he found the owner and said, "I ran over your rooster and would like to replace him." The farmer replied eagerly, "Great, lets hear you crow."

You're mother's been here 20 years, isn't it time she moved out?" asked Mr Bow. "My mother!" exclaimed Mrs Bow with a frown. "I thought she was your mother!"

A man enters a chemist and asks for something to cure hiccups. The pharmacist leans over and slaps him across the face. "Ow! What was that for?" he asked as he rubbed his cheek. "Well you don't have the hiccups anymore do you," the pharmacist asked looking smug. "No, but my wife who's sitting in the car does!"

Dear Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.  We are OK.  Only two of our tents and four sleeping bags got washed away.  Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Jeff when it happened.  Oh yes, please call Jeff's mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat.

We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.  Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Hector for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.  Hector said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.  Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?  The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did.  Also some of our clothes.  Larry is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.  It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it.  We think it's a neat car.  He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate.  It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.  Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy.  Don't worry, he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching his brother Doug how to drive.  But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.  All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Jeff was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.  Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges.  When Rob dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Bruce and I threw up.  Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison.  I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now.  We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Don't worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, Dave

In the back woods of Gooberland, a Goober's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down ... I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern ...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Goober scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

One day the Pope came to America in his limo and he said to the driver, 'Why don't you let me drive for once.' The driver thinks to himself, 'Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the Pope.' So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, speeding down the freeway, dodging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, 'Slow down a bit, you might get pulled over.' The Pope says, 'Ahh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope.' So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few minutes he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, “Oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute.” The Pope says, 'Sure' and the cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, “Guys I just pulled over someone really important.” They ask who, "The President?" "No, more important." "The president of another country?" "No, more important." "An ambassador?" "No, even more important." "Well, who is it?" "I don't know, but the Pope is his chauffeur."

A lawyer defending a man convicted of burglary tried this creative appeal:  "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.  His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied.  "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.  He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."  The gavel hit the bench with a thud.

The defendant smiled.  With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the table, and walked out.

Bob and Joe sat next to each other taking a test.  When they finished the teacher called them up to the front of the room and said, "Boys, I will have to give both of you a zero on this test" "W-why?" they wanted to know, though Joe was shifting uncomfortably. She said, "Your answers were too near alike.  One of you cheated and the other let him do it." "What makes you think we cheated?" Bob asked "That could have been a coincidence. The teacher said, "I might believe that, if it wasn't for the fact that when you came to question 10, Bob put 'I don't know' for the answer, and you, Joe, put 'Me neither!'"

 It had been 4 hard, gruelling years of computer science courses for John, but the end was in sight, with only one more semester before graduation.  However, he realized he still needed one more general science class to fulfil his graduation requirements. Rushing to register, he found the only course still available was on "Birds and their habitats".  Reluctantly, John signed up.

Like many elective courses at the university, the class was large, and generally taught by one of the professor's assistants. As the semester continued, the work load increased, and he found himself spending more and more time studying birds.  To make matters worst, the professor offered only one test at the end of the semester to determine each students grade - It was all-or-nothing. Two weeks prior to the final, John began cramming and re-reading the class books and his notes.  As he walked in to the exam room, he was confident that he would not only pass but would fly through the test with little effort.

As John began the final, he discovered that each question centred around a picture of... a pair of bird legs.  He was to identify each bird by its legs, and then answer the corresponding question.  He could not believe it - he had studied so hard, and it all came down to his ability to identify birds by their LEGS? He answered best he could, but after struggling with the test for over an hour, John marched down to the front where the professor of the class was standing and slammed the test down into the pile of other exam books.  "This is the sorriest class and you are the worst professor on this campus." 

As he started out the door the shocked professor yelled back, "What is your name, young man?" John turned, pulled up his pants legs, held his bare leg in the air, and replied, "You're so smart, you figure it out!"

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo on a school outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, a zoo cop picked them up for causing a big commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant compound. The first boy innocently said, "My name's Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The second added, "My name's Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.” The third boy was looking a little pale said, "Well, my name's Peter.... but my friends call me Peanuts."

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening.  They looked out of place amidst the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them, thinking, "Look, there is a couple who has been in love most their lives, 60 years or more!" As the woman took a table near the back, the little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation, paid for their meal and carried the tray to the table... one hamburger, one order of French fries, and one drink.  The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless, now thinking, "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table.  He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.  The old man replied that they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. The young man noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite, but was just occasionally taking her turn sipping the drink.  Again, the young man offered to let him buy them something more to eat.  This time, the little old lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.  As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. He finally asked the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating.  You said that you share everything... what are waiting for?"

She looked at him sweetly and answered, "The teeth."

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, put the cat out, and everything.  The taxi arrived, and as the couple were about to leave, the cat shot back in.  They didn't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

A 60 year-old couple was celebrating their 40 years of marriage.  During the celebration a fairy appeared! "Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish."

The wife quickly chimed in, "I want to travel around the world."  The fairy waved her wand and, POOF!  She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF! He was 90...

A lady is looking to purchase a pet for companionship, and so goes to the local pet shop to purchase a cat or such. However, when she arrives, the beautiful young parrot on a perch by the counter intrigues her. "Will this parrot talk?" she asks the owner. "Oh yes, this parrot comes from a long line of excellent talkers.  In two weeks, he will be mimicking your speech like he's having a conversation with you."  The lady excitedly purchases the bird in a large cage (for a handsome fee) and takes it home. 

Two weeks later, she comes into the store. "This bird you sold me hasn't said a word!" The owner looks puzzled.  "I can't understand it, that is our best talker.  He should talk when he swings." "What?  You didn't sell me a swing!"  The owner happily sells her a swing for the bird's cage. 

But, two weeks later, she returns with the same complaint. "I really can't understand it, he should talk after exercising on the ladder," the owner says.  Frustrated that he didn't tell her this before, she buys the ladder.  Two weeks later, ...you know.

The owner says, "something is wrong, because when he climbs on the stairs, and gets on his swing, and looks into the mirror, he definitely should be talking!"  She buys the stinkin' mirror, and in 2 more weeks...

In she walks with the cage, containing the swing, ladder, mirror... and one dead parrot with it's legs up in the air. "Here's your mute bird and all the junk you sold me - all I want is my money back!"

The owner was dumbfounded.  "Lady, this is the first parrot that has ever come back - didn't the parrot say any words at all??"

"Well, now that you mention it, he did, say one thing," she said.  "He said, 'Doesn't, that, shop, sell... Bird food?!?'"

Three people, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde, were standing at the top three doors that each lead to a long chute. Suddenly a genie appeared and said that if they said what they wanted as they went down the slide that is what they would get. The first to go down was the brunette and as she slid down she yelled 'GOLD!' and landed in piles and piles of gold. The second one to go down was the redhead and as she slid down she yelled "FAME!" and when she reached the bottom she was swarmed by reporters asking questions and on a heap of TV shows. The last to go down her chute was the blonde. As she went down she yelled "WEEEEE!!!!"

Two blonde men were walking along, one behind the other. The first man would dig a hole and the second man would follow along behind and fill the holes up. One man, who had been watching them for quite some time, said, "What are you two doing?" The first man replied, "Well, normally there's a guy who plants the trees, but he's sick today."

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